Posted on: September 23rd, 2013 by Tanya No Comments


It is said that our greatest fear is not realizing ourselves to be imperfect but rather that we are seen by our partner as unacceptable.

We often see in couples one or both partners who, while acting with the most sincere intention (often coming from a place of love and desire to help their partner) show the other they are unacceptable by trying to fix or change them in times when they are experiencing distress and needing it to be seen and understood.

When a relationship does not provide an intentional space for allowing, inevitably, over time one of the partners can feel that they have lost their voice and sense of self in the relationship. They may start feeling desperate and grow to believe that the only way they can get themself back is to get away from the other person. They may go further inside themselves or as a last resort, leave the relationship entirely.

Rather than trying to change our partner and helping them to rid themselves of the impure aspects of self which we often perceive to be the cause of their distress we can choose to embrace them for their realness. A realness that is sometimes broken, messy and yet mysterious and vibrantly alive. In doing so we open them up and mirror back to them their acceptability they most desire.

By cultivating an unconditional accepting presence we no are no longer holding them in a battle against their imperfect self and in doing so keeping them in a cage of judgement, mistrust and unacceptability. We are giving them freedom to become authentic, fully alive and able to thrive. Carl Jung described this feeling when he charactorized our spiritual path as an unfolding to wholeness.

With intentional allowing by both partners a balance exists where both realties are valid in their own right. These realities can coexist allowing each person their own defined self. Allowing creates a holding environment where both partners and the relationship can flourish towards wholeness.

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